What do you get when you cross a U-haul truck, a box of naughty videos, and a deaf guy?

This is definitely a blast from the past... a story that anyone who knows me has probably heard several times.  But way back in the day (2002), my good friends Dave and Chris and I were gutted to have to move from Amazing Bachelor Pad #1 - complete with pool, hot tub, pool table, etc, etc, in order to move to Amazing Bachelor Pad #2 - even nice house with all of the amenities.

For background, our slimy landlord had not been collecting our rent checks for about six months, and eventually the bank came to take possession of the house.  Bummer.  But seeing as we got 6 months free rent, we weren't too sad when it came time to leave, and there was even a bonus.  

When a bank takes possession of the house, they get the structure but not the belongings.  In this case, that meant leather sectionals, refrigerator, a big screen TV, and a bunch more besides.  And, after we tried and tried to contact our landlord to no avail, we were left with the option of letting the bank take it all, or moving it ourselves. 

Easy decision.  

However, as we were packing up to move we found out that the landlord had  left a case of 100 porno movies in the attic. We figured that we might as well try to sell them, so Chris put them on
Craig's List to sell for a $100 (seed money towards the very first model Tevo!).  But, seeing as he didn't want to have to talk to the type of person who actively purchases 100 porno flicks (big baby), so I gave my cell phone number.

Right, cut to moving day, and we were finishing our first load, about to head back the old house, when my phone rang. I get this operator asking if I was willing to accept a Sprint Relay Call from a deaf person.

Sure. Now, the way this works is that the deaf guy types what he wants to say, and the operator reads it aloud to me, typing my responses so the caller could read them.

Figuring that this call had to be about the pornos, I figured I might as well brief the operator that this may be one of those conversations more than a little bit out of the ordinary for him...

Talk about a weird situation - the deaf guy asked question after question about the movies, from the content (straight, gay), as well as my opinion (boring, good).

All the while, the operator had to read his responses in a neutral, professional monotone. Since I knew nothing beyond glancing at such quality titles as "Fuck Face" and "Interracial Sluts #31" (seriously), I couldn't help him and we just talked price, with him trying to knock the price down to $75

What's the relevance of this? Ah, this is where it gets interesting.  For the move, I had rented a 24 ft. truck, and when the call came, I was driving this beast of a truck. Bear in mind my normal car is a wee Volkswagen Jetta...

After this last call, I got back in the truck and started driving back to Amazing Bachelor Pad #1 down Lawrence Expressway. I was halfway there when the phone rang. Turns out it was the porno guy who couldn't let 100 tapes get away... and he was still trying to get a discount.  Sigh.  So, we were
talking price when I came to the crucial intersection of Lawrence and Monroe.

At the Shell station on the corner, I had to take a right. No big deal, I've done it a million times before.

Except... not with the aforementioned 24 foot truck...

Not thinking much of it, i just turned right as normal. I just may have forgotten that you are supposed to take
turns extra wide in a large truck. Minor, yet oh-so-important detail.  

It was at this point that I felt a bump on my right rear tire, and with my heart in my throat and thinking "man, I really, really, REALLY hope that was the curb" I glanced up at my rear-view mirror only to see...

I parked the now crippled truck on a side street and walked back - man, the fountain was at least 60' high, just blasting. I called 911, and the firetrucks showed up, where it would take them a half hour to close it off. 

In the meanwhile, I had called and told my best friend Dave about it, selflessly thinking the guys could come over, grab the truck and keep moving while I sorted things out with the police.

Mistake #2.

While I am staring at this fountain, with cars swerving around it, and dozens of passerby taking pictures, laughing at the sight, I hear a bunch of people yell "Hey Hawkins!" 

Glancing across the street, I see six oh-so-helpful friends of mine that are besides themselves on the lawn across the street, watching and laughing. Oh, and they grabbed the camera so Dave burned a roll of film of the sight. The cops thought it was pretty funny too, on a really hot day - and also thought it was funny that my friends were heckling me :) Farkas even asked the fireman if we could get the broken fire hydrant to keep as a souvenir.  (Um, no.)

It turns out that as soon as Dave got off the phone with me, and told Farkas what happened, they just looked at each other and started laughing. Everyone in the house started running top speed to the cars and sped off to
witness. Ah, friends.

Anyways, the long and short was that there was no real damage beyond a tire and rim on the truck, and a new hydrant.  It would have been a completely free story, if I had only ponied up the extra $5 for the complete coverage - instead, I had to pay the $250 deductible and a ticket.  But, for all the fun it's given my friends to repeatedly embarrass me, it was probably cheap at twice the price. : )

** Update **

I forgot to include the eventual fate of the box of porn.

So, fast forward a few weeks - we were happily moved into our new place and loving it.  But, with an extra room, we started looking for flatmates.  After living with our friend Christina for two years - we were keen to find another cool girl to share, and I lined up a few interviews for a Monday night.

Still trying to get rid of the videos, I reposted the ad for the box of porn, and got a guy to come by to pick them up late Monday night.

Yup, I think you can see what was going to happen.  Our last interview was with a girl named Allison at 8:30. The porn guy was scheduled for 9:30.

No overlap problem, right?

Wrong.  She was a bit late, and he was very early - so just as we were having a great chat with Allison, we heard a knock on the door.  Instantly, all three guys looked at each other, thinking "crap, that's the porn guy!"

I got up, met him at the door, and quickly walked him to the garage without so much as an introduction - just a furtive scurry to get him out of sight as soon as possible.

The long and short of it was that the guy bought the movies, and left.  When I came back in, Chris and Dave  instantly relaxed - telling Allison "hey, have we got a story for you!"  That was a good thing, because while Allison eventually moved in with us, at the time she was thinking we were some sort of sketchy guys, running some sort of drug-running business from the garage.

New great roommate and a new Tivo - perfect happy ending :)